It’s nice to be on my own again. Doing what I want and when I want, it’s freedom. Just to go to the store and buy groceries is fun actually, I’ve actually found joy in doing the disches and cooking dinner -even if it doesn’t really come out right. But I’ve managed to make two eatable dinners which wasn’t half fabricated or based on mincemeat.
Something else that has been rather interesting to not is how reluctant it has been to go outside. Just leave the computer and go outside, I did it yesterday. Didn’t really plan on doing anything just wanted to go outside and walk around for a bit and it was really nice. The sun was shining and there wasn’t to many people out. I think I just walked around for a coupple of hours until I came to a halt and though “I have no idea where I’m at right now” so I found my way to the nearest subway and went home.
I’ve really missed this, but I know that I’ve grown custom to the slack of living with my grandparents, the only thing I really did was my own laundry. Which by the way is awesome in the appartment since they have both a normal dryer and a dry-cabin. Was done with the laundry after just a coupple of hours. This compared to having to hang the laundry was a huge improvement and I’d say that the ratio is about 1:1000 and improved the SLA by about 97.1% from the total KPI which was at about 70% with a target of 75%. Overall, it’s good.
I’ve also noticed that I live like 100 meeters from Systembolaget and I’ve been there a coupple of times. The beer section is kind of thin and not really many fun beers there at all however, there are some old goodies there and some which are rather uncommon. It’s acceptable anyway I can always head over to Regeringsgatan if I’m out for something specific.
Something else that is rather funny is that I’ve become so easily distracted while writing. Haven’t managed to sit down and write in what feels like weeks. This post alone took about 6 days to finish.
Anyway, I’m out. Got to gather my strenght and pull through this day.
I’m currently drinking what’s my 7th cup of coffey, it’s monday and I’ve kind of enjoyed this day to be completely honest. This is not very common when it comes to monday since it’s almost always the most annoying day of the week.
First off, I got to see my collegues from back in Alvik. Since I’ve been working nights and such I haven’t really meet them during the time that they’ve been here. But it’s always nice to see them again, feels alittle more like home.
Helena is also here now which is kind of awesome cause I now have something to do, besides work (I can begin to imagine how many ways that will be misenterpreted, but please don’t).
The other units that was sitting in Alvik have moved here aswell, or what’s left of them atleast. So some more familliar faces to say hi to for me, feels good. I’ve felt kind of out of place here since I started, so many new faces and not so many welcoming ones. Overall, it’s really nice.
Oh, and I got to see Heike today aswell. Really nice to see her face again, there’s a strange glow about that person. Either it’s the memories of the good times when we worked together or something else, don’t know. All I know is that it was nice to see her.
Now, I finish up in about 40 minutes so I’m gonna start closing down the shop. Was planning on heading to IKEA today but it doesn’t look like I can get someone to tag along and it’s just plain booring to walk IKEA by yourself. So I guess that will wait.
Cherios!
Close to three years ago I was sitting infront of the computer as usuall. After being unemployeed for about five months or something I decided to look for jobs outside of Sollefteå. I ended up looking for jobs in Stockholm since I knew that my grand parents had a spare room that I could borrow while I waited for an appartment.
I found a job and applied, two days later I got a callback from a recruiter of the firm called TechTeam. We decided on a telephone interview two days later. After that interview we decided for a real one down in Stockholm three days later. I ended up signing an employment form or whatever to call it and started working the following monday. Now we had a temporary arrangement with the room at my grandparents house and for some reason that temporary solution grew to being three years.
Back then I was sitting just as I was yesterday. My ass in the bed and the computer temporarily placed on a chair infront of it.
I’ve moved out now and in to a 60 square meteer appartment in the middle of the city. Two rooms, a kitchen and a dining room. Feels great really, to finally be on my own to do what I want and when I want it. The appartment is great aswell. I can’t say that it was excellently planned with the room most fitting to being the bed room being the biggest one but it certainly is big enough for me, infact I think that it’s to big. I don’t know what I’ll do with all the space I have left over now.
I have my bedroom which will be where I have my computer aswell, can’t keep that to far away now can I? Then the living room where I will be getting a couch and some other stuff to make it more homely, like a TV. I have a temporary TV though, but it actually looks smaller than my computer screen.
I can say one thing though, the bed is AWESOME! I haven’t slept in a bed like that for a loong loong time and I’m so looking forward to going to bed now. It feels alittle to big though, so it might be time to get some company. 
Tomorrow I’m going to continue unpacking my stuff and running to the store to buy all the things that I’m missing. Later my sister and her boyfriend is comming over for dinner and Jan-Olof talked about taking his child and girlfriend and comming over aswell.
The appartment is at Kungsholmen so do pop by for a visit if you’re in the neightborhood, or do pop by either way. 
Gonna get some pictures of the appartment up by tomorrow!
One of the benefits of moving (more than the obvious) is that you actually get to handle all those things that you rarely use. On my part that was my closet, all the boxes underneath my bed and the upstairs bathroom. Things I rarely use at all but I’ve still managed to deposit a quite large sum of items there.
Then it occurs, after digging through this wasteland of forgotten gods, 90% of these things are of the kind that I wouldn’t miss at all if I threw them away. Like a bad headset, a broken headset, some sort of control mechanic thing for my computer, a broken harddrive and so on.
I think that I’ll end up throwing away more than I will be moving actually.
Just two days left now until I finally have my own place. It’s going to be so awesome to finally be on my own. I’ve missed it so much, just these small things like deciding when or what to eat. Grocery shopping, I’ve actually been fantising alot about where I’m gonna go shopping for food, what kind of toilet paper I’ll buy and so on. This offcourse when I’m not planning on what furniture I’ll buy.
I can’t wait for thursday! Literally, I really can’t wait! I want it to be thursday now. I want to move in and start unpacking my things. Now!
Feels just awesome.. or not. Service window this weekend aswell so I have about two pages of alarms to deal with in some manner. The scary part is that this is only the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow morning will be the real fire-test. But atleast it’s just two days left (this one included) and then it’s one week of slack.
Not even slack actually, since I’m moving in to my appartment next week. I’m gonna have to pack up all my stuff that I have at my grandparents house, even tho it’s not much but it’ll prolly take some time to get it all sorted into boxes.
For those interested, I’ve made a scetch of the the appartment from a top down perspective just to show you a bit of how it’s planned.
This is not 100% accurate according to reality but it gives a good view of how it’s planned out. I’ve also made a scetch about how I will furnish it, but I’ll keep that to myself for now.
I’m becomming very homely! 
Oh yeah! Time for me to finally move out of my grandparents library! After three years in that room, me and my computer are finally moving out together and we couldn’t be happier!
About a week ago I was sitting at work and looking through some appartments on the net, a collegue of mine mentioned that his girlfriend had an appartment that was up for rent. It was located close to Fridhemsplan, two rooms at about 60m2. He then said that she wanted atleast 10 000 SEK for it, which was very much over budget for me.
However the next day he came to work and told me that she could settle for 8000, which inculded DSL, electricity and assurance. That made the appartment much more attractive, since basically thats just alittle bit over the money I would’ve payed if I’d bought an appartment.
So, I went there today to check it out. Both my collegue and she was there painting the place. It’s a really cozy appartment two small rooms, one that will serve as a bedroom and the other as a livingroom. It’s very lit up and even tho the areas isn’t that big it’s it feels very spacey.
So, well all of a sudden she asked me when I wanted to move in and we determined that next weekend would be great. So there it is, I have an apartment.
I complain alot and some times it even feels like I’m taking things to far. Like I’m constantly dragging this along and it even feels like I’m taking advantage of it. Like I’m behaving like this to stand out and get attention, to seem interesting, special. The fact is that I’m not interesting, nor special and I don’t deserve that attention. This is utterly honest and truly how consider myself and my behaviors.
I write alot and when I started writing it was just to do something. I’ve always been creative and wanting to actually do something. I’ve tried painting, singing and lots of other things but I haven’t really had any talent for any of them. I started writing early, about the time that I had dreams about becomming a singer since I wrote alot of poems and lyrics.
It brought me into writing and so I have been ever since. The only assignments given to me while I was in school that I actually had a good grade on was free-writing assignments. The only grade I’ve gotten that was higher than G was VG and I got it in English, much because my teacher recoginzed that fact in me.
When I first started this blog it was an extension of this hobby of mine, just writing at all let me enjoy it. I early on began to write about my story and how I grew up. I think this is where my abuse of this extension started. It was really the first thing that I wrote with a real angle and a real story and I got alot of respons on it.
So I found myself in starting to write more about personal stuff and saw more and more visits on my site and more mails in my mailbox. Some told me to go fuck myself, other encouraged me in writing these. This kept on and on and my extension for a hobby became more for me. It became a way of being and a way that felt safe. It made me feel interesting, that someone would actually care to read this stuff. It even made me feel special.
I started writing in more abstract tones and more brutal, more sick really. I started doing this to awake more interest and to make me feel even more special. This became more about a performance than just writing as I first set out to do. Something that was brought along with it was that I developed it into a way of communication. I started feeling odd and out of place in real-life situations and conversations and this writing became more comfortable. It was safe, I was hiding behind behind this text, behind my keyboard and screen.
If you take this away, take away almost all things that I’ve written about. I’m really not interesting or special, I’ve had a troubled youth and that have made me sensetive. Some people deal with it and move on, I keep dragging it along beacause I want to feel special and interesting.
I’ve built a personality around being damaged and being a victim and now it’s basically all that I am. People that I’ve gotten to know resently know me by being this person making it even harder to try and change that. If this is to ever be removed, what will I be? A computer geek with nothing really. I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have my own place. I don’t really have anything to show for myself besides my job, which is basically all that people at work see me for. But atleast people at my job understand what I do, people around me don’t. I can’t talk about what I do, well I can talk about it but no one will understand it.
I need this, I need my damaged-self. Without it I’m nothing and if I’m nothing I’ll be completely alone.
Tonight I did something that I haven’t done in a loong time, I actually listened to music. Not just putting it on while focusing on something else no, really listened to music. Started while I was talking to Mirja and she sent me a link for a song that felt strong to her, well it did. But it got me scouring my mobile for some songs more in my category of music (the hard one) and I found some, but it didn’t start there.
The strongest memory of any album I have is from Slipknot Vol. 3 Sublimal Verses. It’s a wonderfull album in comparasing to their last abberation which had one good song. I remember recording this album over to my MD Player which I had borrowed from my girlfriend (I also remember getting scolded because I’d taped over her Michel Jacksson album), I had that disc in for months, it was about the only music that I listened to at all for the time.
It had much anger and the moving lyrics that awoke my emotions, emotions being mostly anger and hatred but, emotions none the less. But it had one song on it that spoke to me in a different way Vermillion Pt.2 which was quite tender in comparasing to the rest of the album. The video is totally awesome aswell and you should check it out if you find it anywhere because I unfortinuatly didn’t.
Got off on a little side track there, but after listening to some songs from that album and really diving into them, I started looking up other songs in the same category. I’ve found lots. Lots of anger, chills and hatred. It reminded me alot of how I really am, or how I was - I’ve lost the difference inbetween. So pumped, all the time and almost always very calm.
I really need to do this more often, It feels just awesome. Just being able to let go off everything and just fall wasted in to the pumping drumms and screaming guitar, being amazed by the sense of emotional desperation in the singers screams.
Bring on the anger, bring on the hate and some whipped cream on the top please.
Sorry guys for the lack of any real content in the past week or so, haven’t really found anything to write about and there’s not really that much going on in my life at the moment, and bla bla.
Working night for the first time in my life this week, first night was hell but yesterday was better and now it seems fine. The only thing that kind of bugs me is the lack of anything to do. Sure, there are a few checkpoints we have to go through each night and there are some alarms but not enough to keep me and my collegue occupied. But we have to be two in case that the whole shit breaks down.
In other I think that I’ve settled in to this work place now. Feels like I’ve landed what the procedures are like and the enviroment I’m in. I can say this for sure because now my mind really starts to work. Structure is key and structure can always be rebuilt and in some cases, built from the ground up. Found some interesting structural missbehavior that needs to be questioned. So, think I’m going to settle in here just fine now that I’ve found something that speaks to me to start dealing with.
In other I have a strange feeling in my gut, oh I’m hungry.