Habit

Past 2 AM and still far from sleep, this is a habit that I can’t break. The street lights flicker like this match in my hand as I lit my cigarette. The empty streets lie before me like a clouded metaphore for lonelyness and absolution. I keep repeating but this payphone stopped recieving. Flat out of changes and pretty sure that you won’t accept the charge of a collect call. I turn my head around and start walking. I don’t know where I’m going but my feet seems to know the direction, forward.

She used to ask me if I thought that it hurts to die. I’ve never answered her before but right now I’d say that it hurts much more just to be alive. My body is shivering and I think that I finally understand all those songs about love and heartbreak. It’s a physical pain in my chest, constricting my lungs and making it hard for me to breath. My eyes have trouble staying dry no matter how much I try to keep the tears from reaching my cheeks.
I saw her yesterday as she came to pick up some clothes from our appartment. What hurts the most is knowing the only reason that she exists now is as a reminder of what I’ll never have. She gathered up what she needed quickly and we embraced eachother as we always had done. The only thing that was different about it was that my arms were filled with a desperate and almost angry feeling of not wanting to let go. I’ve never stood so close to you before knowing that it kills me just to breath you in.

I’m going to miss you.