Destination

Going home to Sollefteå is kind of a pain. It’s a 50 mile trip of passing by some of the things that I loong for the most, things that I regret and things I hoped to experience, if only for the time being.
One of the uttermost reasons that I like Stockholm is that I have next to no regrets in this town and even if I had this is the most anonymous city that I’ve ever lived in but here, they’re only mine really.

The trip starts of just fine and we get about8 miles until a big “Welcome to Uppsala”-billbord strikes and apperance. There we had 16 year old me, being confused regarding who I really am and everything really. I have nothing figured out at the time, not music, not clothes and defenitively not women. This age and state of my mind is what I’d like to call as my “Whore”-state.
The name is not only from how I behaved with girls it’s really everything. I had no firm beliefs, no personality at all to speak of really. I pretty much created alot of myself there. Through music, clothes, politics, yeah - everything really. But they weren’t completely mine. I can trace back so much of who I was/am to people around me. The sadest thing of this being that it’s not like they made me believe those things or wear the clothes more like me trying to fit in and saying to myself  “Hey, he’s cool maybe if I wear those clothes to I’ll be as popular as him”. But offcourse it wasn’t and I firmly believe that this was an experience I was just hoping to experience, to be popular and fit in.

Going past Uppsala and continuing north is a inner journey for me as much as it is a physical one. That’s why I hate riding the car or buss, mostly because it takes so much time and for the main reason of remembering all the times I’ve watched that very same road ahead of me as I was in the “Whore” -state of mind.

Let’s move on, shall we?

We get past Uppsala and the woods start closing in around you as you pass Gävle and Hudiksvall only to finally start recognizing the surroundings of what namely is Sundsvall, more accuratly Njurunda and to narrow it down even more Sofie. Now this is the only girl that I’ve never had any sort of closure with and it’s mainly my fault really, if not it’s the least that I deserve. Now, whatever you’re thinking it’s not like that.
This is the girl that I did meet prior to ever meeting one of the biggest love (so far) of my life but I didn’t really get with her until that love had gone way past its expiration date. We had broken up a coupple of months earlier and I was still in my “push it away, it never happened”-state, but that’s another story. The short version is that when something gets to uncomfortable, namely a breakup, I shut that person out.
So, as I was saying - I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I was love sick. Out of a coincidence me and Sofie started talking and the past feelings started to blossom into the most meaningful romance that I’ve ever had. We had this thing early on that I truly believed was a divine sign of us being together for a loong time, if not a lifetime. We started placing eachothers words in eachothers mouths all the time. We were on numerous occassions thinking about the exact same thing.
I rushed in to her with all I had almost instantly, which I think scared her of. She broke up, it got uncomfortable and I never spoke to her again. Today I was reminded of her and I miss her. I define her as the thing I loong for the most right now.
On a side note she is the only girl that I’ve ever gotten flowers on valentines day from. She gave me five white roses, which stands for “I love your soul”. To this day, that was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done and given to me.

After Sundsvall it’s a curvy road to Sollefteå, on the sides of that road is alot of thorny rose bushes and sharp cliffs. But that is indeed the destination and this post was ment to be about the road.