I’m sorry for the recent lack of posts. I’m working on… let’s just say something and keep it at that.
This week is finally comming to an end, in about 29 minutes (as of this second) to be precise. It’s been a hellishly loong week, first Mon-Fri 16:00-23:00 and then Sat-Sun 08:00-18:00. I’m so tired now that I feel that I can more or less sleep for an entire week, which technically I can since I won’t be comming to work again for about 7 days <3
The most annoying part really is that I haven’t had much to do for the last two days. Since there is the weekend after the start of the month no one really plans any changes or services since there’s high attention on just keeping everything up and running. Had one important alarm this morning on 3D Secure and that’s about it. It makes time go by ridiculously slow and you don’t really get any satisfaction from the daily accomplishments, since you don’t really accomplish anything.
The schedule for this week lies fairly clear tho, I NEED TO CLEAN! My appartmet is so filthy that I take the shoes of at the door just to keep them “clean”. The kitchen is a complete mess with dishes filling the bench and sink, it’s even a little bit on the table. But I guess that’s how it is when you finish two weeks of nights and evenings at work.
Going to go shop for groceries tomorrow aswell since my refrigurator and fridge are next to empty, think I have three meatballs, not three pakages, three meatballs. I actually ordered a pizza for dinner yesterday since I didn’t have anything to make. Well, it’s not that bad, I could’ve used my imagination and cooked up something but, pizza is easier.
Now I’m gonna write a log for the weekend which will read “Server: Nothing, Net: Nothing.., VMS: NOTHING..”
Oh and my sister and I are planning to eat some crayfish next saturday, gimme a call if you feel like joining or just drop by for a beer. 
Been a while since I wrote an actual update so let’s sum it all up:
I’ve just been moping around lately not really doing anything at all. Getting back to work from my five week vacation really took alot of my energy but it feels that some of that are returning now that I’m working nights (calling it work is an abomination actually).
The last couple of weeks I’ve had alot of inspiration and my creativity has been on a very high level, unfortinantly I’ve only been able to channel part of that into my current project so alot of it has gone to waste on really crappy things that probably won’t ever get finished or even continued. It’s alot of fun to start things up, but when it comes to finishing them - let’s just say it doesn’t happend very often.
The most chocking part is that I’ve been reading, studying really. Got access to Peak-IT’s E-learning system where I’ve begun reading the Windows 7 certificate material, I’ve also taken a quick look at the ITIL Foundation V3 material but I’m going to finish up the Windows 7 first and hopefully succeed in the test.
In other I’m looking forward to yet another night here at the office and after that I get one day off until I’m working an evening night plus the weekend. Wish me luck.
I’ve been slacking allot with the pre-announsed changes but I’ve actualy gotten started with it again and it’s going faster and smoother than ever.
I’ve already written a few of the articles that are going to be on the page which is part of the reason that the web development have been laying on ice, the other part is really that I haven’t had any inspiration to keep working.
Please do check out the progress and give me feedback on the design. Feedback is the most valuable part of input for any designer.
I’m so dead but still alive. To be honest I don’t care, not even the slightest. This life is just a collection of things I left behind and moved on. Nothing that I’ve ever cherished were mine to keep. These moments and possessions were just mere distractions from the real problem. Like filling a void with things that just keeps passing through.
I’m really good at making things sound alot worse than it really is.
Going home to Sollefteå is kind of a pain. It’s a 50 mile trip of passing by some of the things that I loong for the most, things that I regret and things I hoped to experience, if only for the time being.
One of the uttermost reasons that I like Stockholm is that I have next to no regrets in this town and even if I had this is the most anonymous city that I’ve ever lived in but here, they’re only mine really.
The trip starts of just fine and we get about8 miles until a big “Welcome to Uppsala”-billbord strikes and apperance. There we had 16 year old me, being confused regarding who I really am and everything really. I have nothing figured out at the time, not music, not clothes and defenitively not women. This age and state of my mind is what I’d like to call as my “Whore”-state.
The name is not only from how I behaved with girls it’s really everything. I had no firm beliefs, no personality at all to speak of really. I pretty much created alot of myself there. Through music, clothes, politics, yeah - everything really. But they weren’t completely mine. I can trace back so much of who I was/am to people around me. The sadest thing of this being that it’s not like they made me believe those things or wear the clothes more like me trying to fit in and saying to myself “Hey, he’s cool maybe if I wear those clothes to I’ll be as popular as him”. But offcourse it wasn’t and I firmly believe that this was an experience I was just hoping to experience, to be popular and fit in.
Going past Uppsala and continuing north is a inner journey for me as much as it is a physical one. That’s why I hate riding the car or buss, mostly because it takes so much time and for the main reason of remembering all the times I’ve watched that very same road ahead of me as I was in the “Whore” -state of mind.
Let’s move on, shall we?
We get past Uppsala and the woods start closing in around you as you pass Gävle and Hudiksvall only to finally start recognizing the surroundings of what namely is Sundsvall, more accuratly Njurunda and to narrow it down even more Sofie. Now this is the only girl that I’ve never had any sort of closure with and it’s mainly my fault really, if not it’s the least that I deserve. Now, whatever you’re thinking it’s not like that.
This is the girl that I did meet prior to ever meeting one of the biggest love (so far) of my life but I didn’t really get with her until that love had gone way past its expiration date. We had broken up a coupple of months earlier and I was still in my “push it away, it never happened”-state, but that’s another story. The short version is that when something gets to uncomfortable, namely a breakup, I shut that person out.
So, as I was saying - I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I was love sick. Out of a coincidence me and Sofie started talking and the past feelings started to blossom into the most meaningful romance that I’ve ever had. We had this thing early on that I truly believed was a divine sign of us being together for a loong time, if not a lifetime. We started placing eachothers words in eachothers mouths all the time. We were on numerous occassions thinking about the exact same thing.
I rushed in to her with all I had almost instantly, which I think scared her of. She broke up, it got uncomfortable and I never spoke to her again. Today I was reminded of her and I miss her. I define her as the thing I loong for the most right now.
On a side note she is the only girl that I’ve ever gotten flowers on valentines day from. She gave me five white roses, which stands for “I love your soul”. To this day, that was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done and given to me.
After Sundsvall it’s a curvy road to Sollefteå, on the sides of that road is alot of thorny rose bushes and sharp cliffs. But that is indeed the destination and this post was ment to be about the road.
Past 2 AM and still far from sleep, this is a habit that I can’t break. The street lights flicker like this match in my hand as I lit my cigarette. The empty streets lie before me like a clouded metaphore for lonelyness and absolution. I keep repeating but this payphone stopped recieving. Flat out of changes and pretty sure that you won’t accept the charge of a collect call. I turn my head around and start walking. I don’t know where I’m going but my feet seems to know the direction, forward.
She used to ask me if I thought that it hurts to die. I’ve never answered her before but right now I’d say that it hurts much more just to be alive. My body is shivering and I think that I finally understand all those songs about love and heartbreak. It’s a physical pain in my chest, constricting my lungs and making it hard for me to breath. My eyes have trouble staying dry no matter how much I try to keep the tears from reaching my cheeks.
I saw her yesterday as she came to pick up some clothes from our appartment. What hurts the most is knowing the only reason that she exists now is as a reminder of what I’ll never have. She gathered up what she needed quickly and we embraced eachother as we always had done. The only thing that was different about it was that my arms were filled with a desperate and almost angry feeling of not wanting to let go. I’ve never stood so close to you before knowing that it kills me just to breath you in.
I’m going to miss you.
Yesterday was really awesome, meet up with Vivvs and April at MacKinley’s which is a local pub 3 minutes from where I live. I’ve walked past that pub atleast once everyday for the past three months but I’ve never been inside. However, it was a really nice little pub with some kind of nice beers. They had the not-so-standard-beers such as Leffe. They also had Nynäshamns Smörkolaporter or something (Stefan, correction please) which was really nice for a porter. To bad those doesn’t go well with the sunny weather.
We headed over to Gröna Lund because they wanted to see The Poodles, I however had no interest in seeing them but April had free entry tickets so I figured that I’d just tag along. When we got there April went bye bye and apparantly Vivvs had no desire to hear them neither so we sat down at a table close by and took a beer.
It’s really nice to see Vivvs because we don’t really talk much we just see eachother like once every 6 months or something. So when we actually meet, we do have alot to talk about. We headed over to Gamla Stan and Medusa afterwards and just chilled. I got plenty drunk and headed home early.
So, that’s about it if we’re talking about my vacation so far actually. I’ve been chilling and drinking beer most of the time. Oh yeah, Jörgen and Agneta visited me last week aswell and we drank some beer and wine. I actually bought wine because I thought that I can’t really tell the difference of a good and bad wine - mostly because I don’t like wine in general. But I decided that I’d atleast give it a go so I bought a random bottle on the 200 SEK shelf and I took a random of the 60 SEK shelf. Pricing really told the difference on those two. What’s most supricing is that I actually really liked the more expensive wine, both were red aswell. I’ve always thought myself of a white wine drinker but red is actually much better.
Right now I’m looking forward to going to Sollefteå with Malin on monday (if we manage to get any last minute tickets - which shouldn’t be any problem), going to go for the general ruitine of my summers. I don’t really that town, it feels more like a bad memory than my home town. To be really melodramatic I could actually say that I see alot of my own limitations in that city, but let’s not go there since this is actually thought to be a non-whining-post. Going to be nice however to go out in the wilderness and just chill… and drink beer. I sound like an alcoholic but I’m really not, I just like beer.
In other got two additional interviews comming up! One scheduled 23rd July at Söderberg & Partners for Peak-IT. The other is kind of secret at the moment, but I’ll tell you more about it later. 
Now, I’m going to finish my cup of tea and head of to bed.
Oh and, what are your plans for the summer?
I’ve been alcolized for about 5 out of the 7 days of vacation yet. Beer is nice.
Since december last year I’ve been registered at monster which as most of you know is a job-site. Not that I’m actively looking for something new but in the line of keeping my eyes open and making sure that I don’t close any unnecissary doors. I’ve placed some applications for jobs but have had little in reward for the time spent. However these past three weeks have been different.
I have gotten calls from about seven different companies which four did turn into an interview and a fifth is comming up next week (we’ll see about that one though). Apart from the obvious benefit from these interviews it feels really good to have gotten alot of practice on these situations since I haven’t been in that many.
Most of them turned out great and I felt really good as I left their respective office. However this monday I wen’t to an interview at Peak-IT, a consultant company which I’ve heard really good roumors about. To make a loong story short I left their building with a rock in my stomache and a thought somewhere in the line of being an idiot and making a complete fool out of myself. I had a hard time finding good expressions and left alot of questions with very bad answers. So, I was really suprised when they two hours later called me and booked a second interview the day after.
This interview went much better I felt more at home and I was better prepared for what kind of questions they were going to ask, I also flet that I managed to express alot better. I ended up leaving their building with a contract to read through and a job offer.
I asked for little less than a week to think it over but when I walked out that door I had almost already made up my mind. I did call them the next day and told them that I’d decided to take their offer. So I was there yesterday and signed the papers and I also filled out a form to quit my current job.
It seems like it’s going to be a smooth transfer really since my current projekt is until 31th August and the job at Peak-IT starts 1st September.
Even if I’m very excited about my new job I can’t help but feel alittle regret over walking out of the corridors that I’ve walked in for the past three years. During this time I’ve meet alot of interesting and fun people and I’ve also had some really interesting assignments. Not to mention all the great oppertunities that I’ve come across.
TechTeam has been really good to me and the best that they did was that they really made me want my job to be something more than a just a job that I had to got to every single day. Something that I really wanted to go to every single day.
Time goes by and things change. Just a little annoyance we know as life.